This afternoon Jordan and I were admiring his handy-work with the light cap project he worked on this morning. I commented, "Thanks, Jordan, for fixing our light." He gave me a strong hug and In a sing- song voice filled with expression and delight he melodically replied, "You’re Welcome!" to which he added more seriously, "I think it will fall down again. Then I’ll fix it again."
So many things to fix I thought. So many things to fix again. So many parts of the grieving process that I feel we have been through only to return to and be surprised at where we are because sometimes the places we arrive at I know we have visited and it confuses me to feel like we are starting all over.
I am encouraged tonight by my son’s energy and willingness to put the light back together. He is not only willing, but expecting this to be his chore. If I use his light story as an analogy to my healing process, I see the benefit of not only possessing a willing heart but an expectant one; one that prepares for various case scenarios not in fear but in fervor.
My dear Jordan, how many times can we fix broken hearts? I may not have this conversation with you until we are both much older. I suspect you may then tell me, "We will fix our hearts again and again. We will not give up. We will be willing and prepared to persevere. And in the end it will all work."