Seek and Find

You will seek and find me when you seek me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:13

We are on day eight of what the urgent care doctor diagnosed as a two week stint of the common cold.  It feels more like a severe case of the flu to me, but I’m just the one carrying the symptoms along with my two little ones.  I am not the expert, although after this week I am certain this is more than an everyday ailment.

My mom has stayed with my kids and I ever since I returned from California for my aunt’s funeral.  And my dad came tonight to help relieve us both.  My heart is still denying the truth that loss has once again occurred.  When I try to talk to my mom about her sister, I just cry.  It makes no sense to me.  And with all the illness, it makes even less sense than that.  I am thrown into a spell of crazy thoughts; ending most days with dizzy sadness. 

Jordan asked me at lunch today, “When are we gonna be dead, Mom?”

“We all die at different times and we don’t know exactly when," I began with an uneasy feeling in my gut. "Why are you asking me this, Jordan?”

“Just because,” was his answer, “Do lots of people go to heaven?”

“Yes, Jordan,” I confirmed speaking more boldly than I should, “Lots of people go to heaven.”

“I was thinking ‘bout if we could go up in heaven cuz I wanna see my dad and Jesus and God.” he gave full explanation.

“Go to Heaven!” Maddi echoed.

“That sounds good to me.” I admitted.

“Maddi, let’s play Hide ‘n Seek,” my son changed the subject as quickly as he had brought it up.

Maddi ran to the pantry.  Jordan followed inviting me, “Mom, do you wanna play Hide ‘n Seek?  You could seek us, Mom!”

For some reason that phrase rang in my ears.  I could seek them.  I need to seek a lot right now.  I need to seek new strength.  I need to seek some rest.  I need to seek my children’s lovable joy.  I need to seek–even in the middle of or in spite of my wavering faith. 

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find. Matthew 7:7

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