I wish I had something profound to say. I went running this morning and asked God to give me something profound. Give me a revelation. Let me find some conclusion that convinces me this had to happen. Give me the “why”. Tell me there is a reason for the better not the worse; because living without a husband and father and friend doesn’t feel better. I am disturbed by a gnawing feeling that Shawn’s death was left to chance. It upsets me to think that this loss could be random, insignificant, inconsequential or unimportant.
God, give me something profound today. Make this mean something. The opposite of profound is trivial. I can’t believe Shawn’s death was trivial. I feel like I am in the middle of a mystery, too big to be solved. It is a puzzle that I try to unravel yet find myself unable to unscramble. We are creatures of order. I don’t want to live in the snare of disorder. I don’t want to live in this trap of questions. God, I am entangled. Untangle me.