Let’s Start Here

I am tired of this battle.  Wasn’t it just yesterday that I was feeling brave?  The rollercoaster of grief has me weary.  I am tired of looking for the better, seeking out the good, trying to become stronger.  I don’t care anymore if this sharpens my character, makes me a better person, or gives me a new glimpse of grace.  I can only handle so much.  Who gets to determine how much is too much? 

Whatever happened to happily ever after?  I wanted to grow old with Shawn.  Does that matter?  I see his picture and he is real to me.  I look again and I am in a trance wondering if what we had together actually existed or did my mind play a horrible trick on me?  Was he just an illusion?  I come in and out of sanity all day long. 

God, this can’t be the plan.  Switch the plan.  This plan isn’t working anymore.  I don’t want to change.  I liked how things were going in the old plan.  Let’s rewind, God.  Why can’t we go back?  You are a mighty God.  You are not constricted by time and space.  Do something.  I need to see You do something.  Clue me in.  I feel so unaware.

Help me to see what you see.  I toss my trust out to the wind in great hopes that You, Oh God, will catch the faith I feel like throwing out.  Eye has not seen.  Ear has not heard.  God, what does all of this mean?  How are we to believe in what we don’t even understand? 

Will you protect me?  I feel so exposed.  Reveal Yourself to me.  I am too exhausted to play guessing games.  You can see that I am tired.  Let’s start here with our new plan.  Unveiled.  Let’s start here.  Releasing everything I once held dear.  Let’s start here. 

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