God cannot use anyone greatly until they’ve been hurt deeply.  -A.W. Tozer

I feel God using me and want God to use me. I desire for my life to be greatly used. Yet, on many occasions I feel quite un-usable. I imagine there are many more doubtful days ahead. I find purpose in my story while at the same time hesitate with how to share the new me that is being molded out of tragedy.

My thoughts, goals, ambitions, and uncertainties become overwhelming to sort. Last week my counselor referred to my down heart state as “overwhelm”. I didn’t realize there is an actual “state of mind” for such a devastating mood.  Usually this frame of mind is generalized as depression even if the desciption doesn’t fit or seems inaccurate.   

I suppose this is one more piece for me to accept:  a life filled with deep hurt can be used greatly and it can also be completely crushing. Maybe not in that order, but, hurt has an extreme effect on a person. The irony, I am guessing, is that part of the crushing is what makes me more usable. Most of all, I am learning that deep hurt is what it is.  It can be ignored, but not avoided.

I am making it my goal this week to rest with God. Let him be the calm amidst the “overwhelm”. Instead of fighting to escape, I trust God will use each thought, feeling, and attitude I bring before him. May he use it greatly.

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