Why Shawn? Is it wrong for me to question God? I
feel utterly unfaithful to risk thinking God, you made a mistake.
I would be lying if I didn’t admit I have thought that. It’s not so much
that God erred on the side of destiny. I believe Shawn fulfilled the life
he was intended to live. I see God still using Shawn’s legacy. And
I pray that in some fashion God will also use me.
I think what I mean about confessing there is a mistake is that I selfishly
want to soften the blow to my own heart. I think the mistake piece says: why
do I have to hurt like this? My pain is filled with questions
because this pain is like nothing I understand. Why is this the plan, be
it good or not-so-good? Why my cherished husband? Why take a life
that was full and loving and contributing?
The list only gets longer. It’s a list filled with 100 plus questions
starting religiously with why? The other questions of who, what, where,
when, how and to what extent have all been answered. The why is an empty
question. It takes me nowhere except into complete madness.
The psychosis of insanity…I have been there several times always initiated when
I begin asking why. The answer can not be forced.
It is when I ask why that God changes my question. He comforts me with
why he is here. Jennifer, I am here because I love you. I am
here because I hurt with you. I walk beside you because I see the huge
mistake that sin caused – leaving you broken. I see the dreadful hurt you
carry and promise you a day of fulfillment. I am here to fill you.