A New Person

I think it is somewhere around the two year mark of grief that one wakes up and believes they are strong.  -J. Silvera

I have been told I am strong since Shawn died.  I have had the bible quoted to me several times as an encouragement that God would not give me more than I can handle.  And I am able to do 42 push-ups in one setting as part of my workout routine.  Yet, none of these measurements necessarily make me believe I am strong.  It is hard to take a compliment when you yourself don’t believe it.

I remember meeting a wonderful new friend after Shawn died, a widow who had lost her husband almost two years prior.  One of the first things she asked me was, "Don’t you feel strong?"  I did.  Still it was hard for me to actually define myself that way. 

Last night when I put my kids to bed, looked around my quiet house and saw it in working order, and contemplated what I have been through, where I have been and how far I have come…for the first time I held a small piece of belief.  I let myself take my own compliment.  I told myself – you are strong. 

Interesting how it has taken nearly two years to take hold of a new belief system; one that says, "You are a new person.  And that new person has strong things to offer." 


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