A Preferred Life

Ultimately the whole and the broken live side by side in us all. –Estelle Frankel

I would never choose or prefer to live life without Shawn.  Nearly three years out and I still live with the haunting notion that this was not my choice.  As if I dare to still believe I have that type of control over my life.  I need to be daily convinced that this life is not about me.  Maybe not so much convinced as reminded. 

I wake up each day pursuing purpose and in essence preference—searching for something I prefer to do.  This is my determination to find the good in life again—it’s what I call a preferred life—the commitment to live instead of becoming stuck in sadness.  It is easy to become stuck.  That doesn’t take much effort at all.  But, getting stuck doesn’t promote healing.  And I know I am in great need of daily healing.

Maddi asked from the back seat of the car yesterday, “Guess what, Mom?”

I played along and asked, “What?”

“I love you,” she said in the same way she may agree that the sky is blue and the grass is green.  So certain.  So lovable. 

Jordan watched patiently as I was driving.  Then making his assessment he told me, “You’re an adorable driver, Mom.”

In the middle of an ordinary drive, during an ordinary afternoon in the moment of ordinary time appeared the highlight of my day.  Preference.  I preferred to soak up the tenderness of my children and let that fill me.  I was in love with Maddi’s love.  What could be sweeter?  I was amused by Jordan’s word choice.  Never before have I been called adorable for driving a vehicle. 

If I am not living a preferred life or working to make choices to favor what I have , than I run the risk of deferring my dreams—waiting for life to change, get better, at some point become easier.  But, what happens if life doesn’t get better or easier?  It is a fact to me that life is full of disappointments.  I prefer not to live in my disappointments.  I prefer to live in gratitude for the love that surrounds me.

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