As time passes my heart divides itself. It is no longer as attached to Shawn—still loves him, but doesn’t view myself in this life with him. Ajusting. Adapting. Changing.
My sister read me an article this week when we traveled to my grandma’s house for Thanksgiving. It was about how to relieve stress and one of the tips noted that in some cases stress is inevitable. The point isn’t so much what causes us tension, but the way we react to the pressure we face. The magazine piece advised us to use two simple words when we are anxious: adjust and adapt.
I have been repeating those words to myself all week long.
I dreamt last night that Shawn and I were getting a divorce. The pain inside was nauseating. I remember calling him at his new apartment and I knew what I wanted to say but I wouldn’t allow myself to utter the words. I was horribly afraid of rejection. In my mind inside my dream I could see the words eager to be expressed. I miss you. But, what if he didn’t say that back?
I woke up.
I had to remind myself, “Oh, yeah…you’re not here anymore.”
And then I had to think for a second why we were separated. And there was relief when I realized that Shawn didn’t choose to leave me. Relief that he would miss me too.
Separate and together. Adjust and adapt.
