My sister called today and told me about a new book she is reading on how to lose weight naturally. The new chairs I bought for my deck came with a how to assemble instruction sheet. Yesterday I picked up a free brochure at the library displaying a bold heading on how to create a reading environment for your kids. My eyes gravitated to the words how to as I read them again and again.
It’s funny that I live in a “how to” world and I’m having one of those “how to” sort of days. It seems like I should be able to figure it out or at least buy a book that has it all figured out.
I want to know how to be a single mom, how to be single period, how to live life when the void never seems to go away. Add to the list how to stay motivated, how to find energy to keep up with my preschoolers, how to see the positive side when I have a litany of negatives to tackle.
Jordan broke a picture last night by accident. He started to cry, “I’m so sorry I broke your picture, Mom. I’m so sad that I broke it.”
I immediately told him we could fix it. Although that may have been a stretch and I think he knew it because he pressed for my how-to-repair-large-broken-ceramic-pieces solution.
“We’ll find the biggest bottle of super glue ever made and we will put it back together,” I said making myself sound confident that this could work or at least make him laugh.
This didn’t stop the tears as Jordan said, “I’m still sad, Mom. I’m sad that daddy died.”
I went to bed wondering how to help him heal. How to make this better. How to keep going. How to live inside the peaks and valleys of life instead of pretending life is a strait plain. How to balance broken plates with broken hearts. How to find new ideas when I feel like I’ve tried most of the ones out there.
But, then again, it would be kind of arrogant to say I have it all under control. To boast that I know how to do all of this. In truth, I don’t know how to do any of this very well.
How to live with loss. Is that even a probable "how to" question? It seems more like a set up. How can it be possible to write out directions for something that’s very nature is a trial and error process?
How to do this? Try. Try Again. And then try some more.
