We think having faith means being convinced God exists in
the same way we are convinced a chair exists. People who cannot be completely
convinced of God’s existence think faith is impossible for them. Not so. People
who doubt can have great faith because faith is something you do, not something
you think. In fact, the greater your doubt the more heroic your faith.
We took balloons and flowers to the grave site this weekend. Normally we send the balloons up to heaven with messages for daddy. But, as we drove to the cemetery three-year old Maddi asked me, "Can we tie the balloons on a tree so daddy can see them all the day?"
So that's what we did. We tied the balloons for daddy to see all day long.
The night before we had slept over at my mother-in-laws house so we could all go to the grave together. The day was busy with a cousin's birthday party and the later part of the day marked to enjoy an outdoor bluegrass music festival. The harmonica and guitar playing reminded me of Shawn and my kids loved eating popcorn and playing on the jungle gym equipment at the park.
On the way home I asked my kids, "What was your favorite part about today?"
Jordan said, "Sleeping over at grandma's house."
With red lips and a red tongue, Maddi said, "My sucker from the birthday party!" (She is definitely a child who lives in the moment!)
My favorite part of the day? I didn't discover until I pulled up to my house and found four deliveries of flowers. My neighbors brought us a huge mum plant for outside, my parents sent flowers, my dear friends from the other side of the world (Prior Lake) sent an arrangement in a fun fall basket and the LLPD sent daisies.
As I oohed and ahhed over the flowers my children chimed, "How cute! Oh, Mom–look! How cute!"
curious why we were getting so many flowers and I explained this was the anniversary of their father’s death, which is difficult to grasp at their age…difficult to grasp at mine.
While getting ready for bed Maddi said sadly, “I didn’t want my dad to die.”
I told her that I didn’t want him to die either. And then I told them. "But, you know what Maddi and Jordan?" They looked at me with inquisitive eyes. "Your daddy would want you to live. He would want you to have fun and live a great life!"
Somehow my children grasped this concept as they giggled and nodded and agreed with me.
This was my favorite part of the day. And after my kids were sleeping I realized that my shaky faith was a bit stronger by the time I spent with them.