Have you ever wanted to prove someone wrong? Have you ever debated your side of the story over and over in your head–rationalizing why you are right? Have you ever sat silent because you aren’t confident that facing the battle outside your own skin would ever do any good?
Has the someone you are trying to convince ever been yourself?
I have this fear that if I venture out a bit too far – I may be stronger than I once thought possible–and the security of being weak is more predictable. There is less trouble in not trying too hard. It requires smaller risk of rejection. I dread being rejected. But even more, I am uncomfortable with my weaknesses. And so the volley of anxiety learns how to play inside of me—secretly hoping that when strength decides to show up I won’t be nearly as afraid of it.
I’m struggling with being alone. Yet, in every sense of the word I am hardly alone in this life.
I have been fighting with myself for days. It is an impatient struggle. My heart is discontent. Anytime the heart is involved questions enter. And today I am wondering if I am strong enough for the life in front of me.
Who am I trying to convince? What do I have to prove? Maybe it's time I let myself win at least one side of my invented debates.