I feel like I'm at an impasse. Soon it will be five years since Shawn's death and I am baffled at where I go from here.
My kids talk about him all the time. Jordan reminded me today of when the handle fell off our refrigerator and daddy fixed it. Before Shawn put it back on the fridge, he chased Jordan around the kitchen pretending he had a sword. "That must have been a lot of fun for him," Jordan told me. I love my son's way with words–thoughtful to think of his dad's feelings. Yes…it was a lot of fun for all of us. All of us together was a lot of fun.
It still is a lot of fun. I played Go-Fish with my kids today except that we changed the name to Go-Delta since we were playing with a deck of cards from one of our airline trips. I love how goofy my kids are. Maddi found a DVD case that was missing, one we'd been searching for days to find as it was a rental from Block Buster. Once found she started spontaneously dancing in the living room singing, "I knew we'd find it! I knew we'd find it!" Her giggles are contagious as if she'd just been told Santa was coming in August instead of December.
I need some of Jordan's optimism and Madelynn's energy. From day to day I find myself asking, "What does God want me to be?"
A friend shared these thoughts:
Strength doesn't mean fighting so hard that one does not fall. Strength is inclusive, in that if one does fall (hard times, sh**, loss, etc.) can one continue? Does one have the strength to get back up and continue with the fight, life and God's plan? Look at Jesus' crucifixion. How many times did he fall on the way to Glory and to save all mankind? Each time there is a fall, and if it is accepted, there comes some humility. Allowing oneself to be humbled opens the heart for tremendous growth.
Strength for me is like having the stamina to stand in the ring of life and be there participating… contributing. There are bumps and jags taken at me all the time. Once in a while, a big one will knock me down. When this happens I need to find the strength to get up before the ten count, and not let the opponent (devil) win. Of course the ten count can last a long, long time.
But eventually I need to use my strength and previous training (life experiences, friends, etc.) to back get up.
May I add– to get back up even when there are no clear answers..to be myself for this moment.
