What I Wanted

Some widows have asked me if a new start or new happiness could only come from remarrying. This is a scary question for the lonely hearted. Because the real question behind the question is, “If I never remarry, will I be happy?”

Here is my attempt to answer. God places desires in our hearts. We experience happiness from being with the people we love, doing what we love, and living out the passions we love. For many people, remarriage will be a fulfilling source of happiness. For others, new joys will come in different ways—freedom to go back to school, time to learn a new hobby, compassion to volunteer in new places, devotion to develop deeper relationships with relatives and friends.

May I note that whether we re-marry or never marry again, the pain of loss is still real and valid in our lives. Getting married doesn’t solve the hurt from whatever our past holds. Getting married hopefully supports both happiness and healing in our lives.

I have to believe that the desires of our hearts are placed there for a reason. And I believe those desires are directly related to our happiness in this life. It isn’t certain how those desires will be met or if they will ever be met in this lifetime.

My desire was to re-marry …at some point. I loved being a wife and wanted to experience that again someday. I just wasn’t sure if it would ever happen again. Actually, I was doubtful–doubtful that I would find someone with similar convictions and commitment. Doubtful that I would find someone to accept the whole package–my story, my children and me.

I was not looking for an ordinary kind of love. I was not looking for a replacement or something short-term. I was not even looking for someone who would take me out for dinner and a movie (although Steven got bonus points for taking me out for Sushi on our first date).

I wanted the real thing. I wanted a love that is loyal and strong. I wanted a love that says, “I’m here,” even if the house is a mess or the kids are fighting or the car has a flat tire.

I wanted to be connected with someone who believes in second or even third chances. I wanted someone who believes we are better together than apart. On our first date I told Steven, “I don’t have time for games.” I was actually referring to my life rather than him…the philosophy I now have that life is short, fragile, fleeting. I was trying to describe my "Be Here Now" concept to Steven as we talked in his truck until 2:00 AM, long after the petite, Asian waitress leaned over our table to whisper they were closing.

Steven was hooked. He later told me, “That was my line,” explaining that on every second date with a lovely prospect, he made sure to let them know he wasn’t into playing games. He couldn’t believe I had beaten him to his own punch line. He was intrigued by someone who lived life out loud.

God designed our hearts to change and grow and love and hurt and heal and look for new joys. God designed our hearts to live out loud. Know what you want. Live it loudly.


Nester Falls, Canada * July 4, 2010

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