I am not so afraid of dying anymore. At least not like before. Before Shawn died, I was scared of the unknown. I did not anticipate death with joy. I hesitated with the topic. Now I feel much calmer with the subject of death and sense an assuredness unlike before. I am glad I am no longer afraid.
Jordan just woke up in a half sleep-walk state to go to the bathroom. I asked him if I should rock him back to sleep. He went right to his pillow, closed his eyes and murmured, “No rocking, Mom, lay down.” I think this is my sign to go to bed.
But, how can I sleep? I am trying to unwind after having 17 people at my home for Thanksgiving dinner. I love to have people over and thrive on putting great attention into the details for the day. Now that it is over I wish it could happen all over again. More than that, I wish I had Shawn to end the day with, to talk to about all the details, to help me clean up and comment on our favorite parts of the dinner and sneak a few leftovers to eat together at midnight. If I can’t have him, than at least I have my writing to analyze the closing of another holiday.
Maybe this is why I am not so afraid of dying; he becomes closer again after death. At least that is my hope. I want to talk to him about this day and share it inside out. Maybe someday we will share again – outside of time – in a place that isn’t bound by time limits, in a place where we need not fear going, and in a place that erases hesitation with assured joy.