Assured Joy

I am not so afraid of dying anymore.  At least not like before.  Before Shawn died, I was scared of the unknown.  I did not anticipate death with joy.  I hesitated with the topic.  Now I feel much calmer with the subject of death and sense an assuredness unlike before.  I am glad I am no longer afraid.

Jordan just woke up in a half sleep-walk state to go to the bathroom.  I asked him if I should rock him back to sleep.  He went right to his pillow, closed his eyes and murmured, “No rocking, Mom, lay down.”  I think this is my sign to go to bed. 

But, how can I sleep?  I am trying to unwind after having 17 people at my home for Thanksgiving dinner.  I love to have people over and thrive on putting great attention into the details for the day.  Now that it is over I wish it could happen all over again.  More than that, I wish I had Shawn to end the day with, to talk to about all the details, to help me clean up and comment on our favorite parts of the dinner and sneak a few leftovers to eat together at midnight.  If I can’t have him, than at least I have my writing to analyze the closing of another holiday. 

Maybe this is why I am not so afraid of dying; he becomes closer again after death.  At least that is my hope.  I want to talk to him about this day and share it inside out.  Maybe someday we will share again – outside of time – in a place that isn’t bound by time limits, in a place where we need not fear going, and in a place that erases hesitation with assured joy.

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