There is a point of questioning that occurs with grief. It is evident in my writings. I notice a pattern of asking many questions throughout any given entry. And with every question I see myself wrestling for an answer; almost like tug of war.
Recently I have found myself struggling with the concept of truth. My husband was a strong believer in telling the truth. According to Shawn, even a little white lie would bring more headache than it was worth. I am not good at this truth-telling practice. I often stretch the truth in order to spare feelings. This is a habit I need to break. I know that when I am not honest with others, I am ultimately not true to myself. But, what is the truth? Why is it good? Why should we trust it? The greatest trust I knew, was prematurely taken from me. Who can I trust? Once again, I find myself writing with an unending list of questions.
Some people have told me that Shawn sees everything; that he is now
an angel watching out for us. Others have told me that Shawn does not
see us because he would be sad to see our pain and they remind me that
there are no tears in heaven. Both beliefs have comforted me at
different moments for different reasons. Yet, which belief is true?
Just because we say we believe does it become true? Can he see me or
can he not? Is it possible that heaven exceeds logic, goes beyond
reason, and surpasses my human judgment? Can he see me or can he
not? Can it be both?
If we believe something strong enough, does that make it true? Or
is there an absolute to truth? Meaning that what is true is true and
it cannot be changed regardless of what we believe. For example, God
is God and whether we choose to believe in Him or not, He is there.
This is what I am finding. My faith is being tested. What I once
believed without question, is now being scrutinized and reevaluated.
It may appear that I am willingly walking through this hardship with
God. I think it is more accurate to say that He is pulling me along
and in many instances dragging me.
What is truth? My doubts creep in and God answers with reassurance
through a friend who stays up late with me as I talk in circles and
share my heart. My hesitation engulfs me and God answers my disbelief
with a stranger who sends a card on a random day to lift my spirit. My
uncertainty strikes me with insecurity and mistrust and then God sends
a neighbor to knock on my door so that I know within my sea of doubts
that I am not alone. Truth is being spoken here. The details to all
of our beliefs may vary, but our hearts, if open, will hear the same
truth. The God who created me and The God who created Shawn is True.
It is not in His character to be dishonest with me. He will go to such
an extent to prove His Truth over and over again. Whether I am
rebuilding my trust directly in Him or in the people he has sent to
take care of me; He is there. He does not change.