I am starting to see a pattern in this process called grief. I am starting to configure a formula for when I am doing well and when I am doing far less than well.
It’s when I give up my own desires that the days become easier. When I focus on wanting Shawn back all to myself, the days become piercing. When I center my attention on Jordan and Madelynn, I am preoccupied with their needs. When I concentrate on myself, I am bordering devastation. When I look at the big picture, I find hope. One life changed has meaning. When I look at my individual, tiny life photograph, I break with despair. One life lost makes no sense.
Who wants to live like this? Who wants to live with unfulfilled desires? Who wants to live without paying any attention to themselves? It seems like the only way to avoid my deepest pain is to ignore it. However, I am perceptive enough to realize that the option of avoidance seems like a cowardice way to proceed. Progress surely comes from confronting the dreaded fear. If I am to grow, even an ounce from this tragedy, then I must face the challenge before me and tackle the dread of loss until my spirit conquers.
Shawn and I used to daily pray the Jabez prayer asking God to “enlarge our territory.” Now I feel like I am walking through the thick of that prayer. God has multiplied the vision for what He has planned for our lives.
One friend wrote, “You inspired many. The many have inspired many. The ripple started with you.”
Another friend shared, “Shawn loved as all of us should love. You reflect as all of us should reflect.”
If I stay on this footpath of encouraged thinking, I find confidence. If I waiver off this trail of assurance, I become hesitant and unconvinced. I find myself border lining along this formula of conquest and failure. God, be my strength. I have weakness written all over me.