I will study you. I will break you down. I will find a way to locate life again. In the middle of tragic loss I find this feeling of complete disorder, chaos, and lack of control. I have made a personal resolution to myself to put life back in its place. This is my attitude on the stronger days – when I don’t yet feel defeated by the day’s plight.
I find this adamant determination inside of myself to dissect grief. I want to know the analytical part, the clinical aspect, the physical toll grief takes, and the emotional side that sways like a dizzy pendulum.
I am intrigued to study any research that has been done on this ambiguous topic. People have told me that everyone grieves different, deals with loss in various ways and follows a time line specific only to themselves. Maybe this is why I can’t find a definite article or book or story or piece of literature that seems designed just for me. The perfect therapy. The perfect fix. The perfect solution. I want someone to figure this out and hand me the answers. Spell it out. Make it make sense. But, then again, if I don’t make my own conclusions, it almost seems like cheating. This is part of my investigation…exploring my limits, examining who I am, delving into pieces that scare me and ultimately making brand new discoveries that only I am able to invent.