Grief Invented

I will study you.  I will break you down.  I will find a way to locate life again.  In the middle of tragic loss I find this feeling of complete disorder, chaos, and lack of control.  I have made a personal resolution to myself to put life back in its place.  This is my attitude on the stronger days – when I don’t yet feel defeated by the day’s plight. 

I find this adamant determination inside of myself to dissect grief.  I want to know the analytical part, the clinical aspect, the physical toll grief takes, and the emotional side that sways like a dizzy pendulum. 

I am intrigued to study any research that has been done on this ambiguous topic.  People have told me that everyone grieves different, deals with loss in various ways and follows a time line specific only to themselves.  Maybe this is why I can’t find a definite article or book or story or piece of literature that seems designed just for me.  The perfect therapy.  The perfect fix.  The perfect solution.  I want someone to figure this out and hand me the answers.  Spell it out.  Make it make sense.  But, then again, if I don’t make my own conclusions, it almost seems like cheating.  This is part of my investigation…exploring my limits, examining who I am, delving into pieces that scare me and ultimately making brand new discoveries that only I am able to invent.   

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