Today I made guacamole for one. Actually, the recipe seemed to make closer to 1 ½ servings. I am not too familiar with cooking for one person yet. This was the same dilemma I had before Shawn died. At least in terms of guacamole dip. In the past, when I would make our favorite, Honduran inspired, homemade concoction, one avocado wasn’t quite enough for the two of us, yet two avocados made too much.
Today was the first day since Shawn’s death that I felt like making something good to eat. Up to this point I have been relying on what other people have prepared for me or waiting for my family to remind me when to eat. I randomly snack without much thought or preparation, not having the desire to put forth any effort into what I would consider a good and healthy meal.
But, today I felt like cooking something. So, I went with my craving out of fear, that if I didn’t act immediately, the motivation would leave me.
In the spur of the moment, I went to the grocery store in search of
a good avocado, knowing full well that I wouldn’t be able to find
avocados as fresh and delicious as the ones we were accustomed to
eating in Honduras. Also realizing that the fruit (or is it a
vegetable?) would be highly overpriced compared to the free avocados we
were often gifted from our neighbor’s tree when we lived overseas.
Still, I knew it would be worth the cost to make something that tasted
good to me.
I tried to act normal as I shopped with quiet caution. I didn’t
make eye contact with those around me. I didn’t engage with the girl
behind the deli counter. I didn’t want to take the chance of falling
apart just because I needed to pick up a ½ pound of turkey instead of
the pound I used to buy when it was on sale for Shawn’s work lunches.
I was doing just fine until I encountered the cashier who politely
inquired, “How are you…did you find everything OK?” “Yes.” I lied.
I couldn’t tell her the truth. I didn’t have it in me. I couldn’t
tell her that nothing satisfies. No matter what I buy or wish to cook,
nothing fills me up. Nothing. I can add anything to the list:
chocolate milk for Jordan, rice cereal for Maddi, cherries, cucumbers
or sesame crackers and nothing brings him back. In the morning, Jordan
will still call out for “daddy” to “come here”. Chocolate milk can’t
solve that.
I made it home safely with avocados in hand. I impressed myself
with the guacamole dip and ate it with the sesame crackers. I tried to
eat it all. I wanted to prove that I could cook for one person. But,
my attempts failed and I put the leftover dip in the refrigerator. I
wish Shawn would come home and eat the leftovers. I wonder when I will
feel like cooking again. After today’s exhaustion, I think it may be
awhile.
