This is heavy. A heart unraveling scares me. My heart unraveling scares me. Not because I would desire for anyone else to feel this pain. But, instead because I will never be able to turn back and plead ignorance. I have seen the sharper side of pain and how it can hollow out a soul. I am stronger because of it. I am filled with a deeper sense of grace from it. But, I will never be able to turn back to the land of the unknown. That will never be a luxury. A convenient way to ignore hurt. There is no pretending with the abrupt loss of my husband. I can not pretend to make it go away – this is why it scares me. Even on the days I beg for a chance to ignore it, I have to deal with the loss in all its harshness. There is nothing light-hearted in a grief that has severed the heart. Watching a heart unravel is heavy. Experiencing a heart unraveling carries that much more weight. This is indeed heavy.
How many layers and levels and lengths will be undone before the loss
of love is healed? My sister watched my kids tonight. I was supposed
to get things done around my house. My ambition was low and my
motivation nearly non-existent. I caved in to my Starbuck’s ritual to
order a Cinnamon Dolce Latte. I went home and made homemade guacamole. The two don’t mix well. I
poured a little wine instead.
I put in a girl movie; the kind that
Shawn used to watch with me out of pure devotion. I watched the show
from start to finish. I was surprised by my ability to sit still and
concentrate; something that has challenged me since Shawn’s death. I
couldn’t stop watching this love story. I cried an “open-real-wide”
sort of cry where your insides feel tender to the touch. The husband in
the movie questioned if one can ever really meet their soul-mate at the
age of ten and I sat stunned that he had asked this thought provoking
question. I wanted to know if it is possible to meet your soul-mate at
the age of 16 and lose him when you are 32.
How can watching a movie be complicated? Why is this activity now a laborious task? It used to be something mindless to do as a way to escape and relax and entertain. Now, I hunt for every piece of meaning without even trying. How can it remind me of every
last piece that was good and true about love? I tried to distract myself with,
“This isn’t real. This is a Hollywood attempt at a fairytale.” But,
it didn’t matter. My mind remembers what is real. My mind remembers
what was real. My mind remembers what happened last fall; reminding me
that love stories don’t always have happy endings.
I am dizzy with exhaustion. I am only writing this now because I will
forget it all by the morning. I wish it could be simpler. I wish
Shawn was here to sample the wine and tuck me into bed.
We have it all mixed up. When we are alive and together we complicate
life. We make big things out of little things. We fight without
having a good reason and we worry about worries that will never
happen. We make life difficult. And then when life is taken out from
underneath us, it all becomes quite clear. The important parts of life
become like crystal with evidence of what really matters. In an
instant, the complicated becomes simple. But, this does not occur
until we can no longer go back to make the crazy quiet. So, we live
with continued chaos. Not realizing what we have before our eyes.
Living with confusion. Until one day all the commotion stops and the
things that were questioned before become solidly certain. No more
mistaking. We come to know that at the time of death; only the love we
gave away will remain. Faith, hope and love remain and the greatest of
these is love. Why couldn’t we comprehend this concept while we were
together? Why do we muddle up life changing the easy into complex?
I know it is easier said than done – to live as if we had no
expectation for tomorrow. But, when will we believe it? I sat and
watched the movie tonight and let it hit my wounded pain. In real life, is it
possible to find a happy ending? I only have one conclusion for the
night. This is heavy.