I’m Just Trying to Matter

I watched the Academy Awards last night with my sister and her boyfriend.  It was a challenge for me to sit still and pay attention.  My mind played rationale games pondering the fact that people are dying and I am sitting watching a television program about movies I have never seen, probably will never see and most likely will never want to see.  What’s wrong with me?  Death does strange things to a person.  Now all of a sudden I am filled with a drive to make purpose my priority.  Although it may sound commendable it doesn’t leave much room to relax.    

I haven’t been to a movie since Shawn died.  I restlessly watched the awards program wondering when I will have the desire to go to a movie again.  When will I accept normal activities back into my life?  When will I allow myself to be entertained?

The best thing I got from the show last night was a quote from June Carter, “I’m just trying to matter”.  It was taken from a movie about Johnny Cash called “Walk the Line”.  Her words caught in my throat as I could instantly relate.  I have been told by many that Shawn’s life mattered; that he made a difference.  I want my life to matter.  I want to contribute to that same kind of difference.

Shawn’s birthday is tomorrow.  I was given a card from my parents taken from the book, “The Purpose Driven Life”.  It read, “What matters is not the duration of your life, but the donation of it.  Not how long you lived, but how you lived.”

I’m just trying to matter.

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