If I Could

Dear Shawn,

If I could bring you back today, I wouldn’t think twice.  I wouldn’t need to ponder the idea.  I wouldn’t have trouble with my choice.  I wouldn’t need to weigh my options to make a decision.  Me, your indecisive wife; I know immediately what I would want.  I know exactly what I would decide.

There are numerous times throughout the day that I think, “If only you were here”.  I want to share these moments with you.  I want you to see Jordan giggling after he has teased his mommy.  I want you to capture Madelynn wiggling across the floor, prouder than punch that she can crawl.  I want you to hear Jordan mimicking me when he exclaims, “Oh, My Gosh!”  I want you to eat the homemade pizza that our friend Cindy made for me last night with all of our favorite toppings:  sausage, mushroom and green olives.  I want to share my life with you, Shawn.  I want to share life in its entirety.  I have not only lost you in the big things, but possibly more importantly, in the small, everyday, little things as well.

Today I am thinking about regret.  Up until this point, I have felt
blessed to say that I have few regrets about our relationship, our
marriage, and our love.  But, today I am regretting many things.  I am
regretting missed opportunities.  I am sorry for the times that I
forgot to say, “I love you”.  I am disappointed for the times that I
was too busy to kiss you goodbye.  I am missing the times that I
thought it was silly to hug you randomly for no reason at all.  I am
lamenting the times that I didn’t encourage you and tell you how
wonderful you are.  I am guilty for the times that I forgot to
compliment you, build you up and thank you for all you did for me.  I
am grieving the times that were wasted on things that didn’t matter. 

Didn’t we talk about this, Shawn?  Didn’t we agree that one can never
praise someone enough?  Didn’t we discuss that sincere praise is the
one thing that never can be overdone?  Didn’t we decide that we would
never get tired of being built up by one another?  We had conversations
consenting that we had never heard someone say, “Wow…I really am
overwhelmed by Jennifer…all she ever does is tell me how great I am.
It gets so old after awhile.”  In fact, it is just the opposite.  We
are criticized daily in different areas of life, whether good or bad we
are continually evaluated in relationships, at work, and through
self-critiquing.  Do we really need someone else enforcing the areas
where we feel insecure?  Do we really need constant nagging?  This was
our theory, Shawn.  We wanted to be each other’s biggest cheerleader. 

If I could have you back today, Shawn…I would build you up.  I would
let you know that I believe in you.  I would tell you that you are
strong and smart and everything I need.  I am sorry for all the times I
skipped my chance to let you know how much I needed you in my life and
loved everything you added to my life.  You lived what you believed and
I believe in what you lived.  This is a message that won’t die
quickly.  I am breathing your message.  If I could have you back
today…I would tell you all about it.   

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