I am finding myself at a loss of how to express myself. There are moments throughout the day that I try to suppress how I am feeling in order to continue with the tasks at hand. Especially with young children, I have little time to focus on myself and need to endure the slow, passing minutes in order to still function in my role as “mom”.
I find that I am coaching myself with pep talks throughout the day in an effort to convince myself that if I live without feeling anything too deeply, I will be able to survive. I seem to rationalize that if I am able to get through a moment in the day without extreme sensation in any certain direction, neither high joys nor low sadness’s, and if I can maintain myself at an even level, where all feelings are basically numb or at minimum dull, than I will be able to carry on.
Life seems to have taken on a new definition; dull. At present, I don’t see in color. Nothing is bright or exuberant. Nothing stands out. Nothing engages me. Nothing connects. I feel disconnected from any normalcy.
I find myself realizing that this is a real story, happening to a real family, with a real mom and a real baby boy and a real baby girl. This is not a five o’clock news update happening to other people.
This is me and Jordan and Maddi.
And how I respond to this story will make all the difference in not only my life, but their’s as well. This is a heavy responsibility. Especially on days that I would rather cover up my head with our favorite brown-checkered-flannel-covered-down-comforter and ignore the day ahead. Being a mom, doesn’t warrant this luxury. In the famous words of my grandmother, “life goes on”. Yet, somehow today, those words offer little comfort. The words may be truthful, but I am nowhere near facing the truth. I still have secret wishes that Shawn will come home tonight.
