There is a unique woman I met since Shawn died. We know each other only through our writings. Yet, her faithful notes through email often lift me when the day is filled with gloom. She was inspired last December when I wrote about Lemon Grass Tea and sent me her own journal entry from that time period this week. I read my voice in hers. In the hollow space between the words I see myself and wonder how she can read my mind. I want to borrow her expressions as they are both powerful and strong.
It is the eve of Shawn’s death. Tomorrow marks two years. Her writing is timely. She explains my heart.
"We were created to share life in relationship, where, ideally, all of the little pieces fit together. I have many friends… each knows a little piece of my life intimately… but I have found that I cannot share all things with any one of them. There are secrets kept from each… it leaves something larger to be longed for… a finished and shared knowing of who and what I am. I want someone here… in time and space… someone I can touch and hold and be part of. I have been alone for such a long time… even though this possibility is closer than ever, it is just that – a possibility. I am left to haggle and negotiate with God, who alone knows all of the secrets, longings, needs and desires of my heart. I more often turn to HIM in my desperation and pain. Tonight I think of you, lost in the memory of something very real… and me, lost in dreams of what I most desperately wish would be." -m.