Technically Shawn died on the sixth of September. I
tend to remember him dying on the first day of school; the day after Labor Day.
Regardless, this entire week feels like a blur mimicking the week I entered a
year ago.
I can’t believe I have lived an entire year without him. I found myself today echoing these words in an empty house, “I can’t believe this. I can’t believe this.” Yesterday I went to the grocery store and saw a mom and a dad and two little kids playing the “swinging arm game” as they walked towards the entrance. Heading to my car, I timidly forced a grin and then quickly glanced down as I didn’t want them to notice how sad their happiness made me.
This past weekend, Jordan’s uncle took him camping for the first time. As appreciative as I am to the strong and positive influence Jordan’s uncle provides in his life, I would have given anything when they drove away to have Shawn be the first one to take his son camping. It was this same weekend a year ago that we went on a bike ride and talked about the meaning of life. We decided that the best way to live is now – without regrets of the past or worries for the future.
Today a lady asked me what I was going to do for Labor Day and I simply shrugged. A year ago today Shawn and I were looking forward to his next set of days off, planning how we would enjoy them together. We loved being together. I didn’t have the heart to explain to this woman that there is no where I can go, any event that I can plan, any place where I can find the complete life I was living a year ago.
I fight against pity. But, I think there is a difference between feeling sorry for oneself and truthfully being disappointed with life. I don’t believe the opposite of pity is pleasure. Today I am giving myself permission to see the disillusionment of life. Life is far from perfect, far from ideal, and far from explainable. I think it is normal, one year out, to feel some disenchantment.
