Each morning begins with a bit of a pep talk. As I wake, I am always reminded that life has changed. I want to spend the day with Shawn. This is my preference. I wish Shawn were here. This is my consistent feeling since the day he was taken. I want Shawn daily involved in our lives. This is doesn’t change. The longing doesn’t leave. The adjustment to living life without him slowly maneuvers throughout a 24 hour period; leading to one more level of mandatory acceptance before night falls. Hence the need for many pep talks or spirit boosts.
The thought process rotates itself through a series of examination without my control. “I wish Shawn were here” circles into “he is not here.” The chain links further, “I want to spend the day with Shawn” ties itself to “He can never spend another day with you.” The pep talk takes over, “I want Shawn daily involved in our lives” alters itself into, “How will you choose to be daily involved in today?” The questions then begin to modify themselves, “How will you move in and out of today? What will today look like to you? Where is the focus? On loss or on life? Will you choose life today?”
The reworking of my mind’s desires, dreams and days past become my present confrontation to tackle. Each day of healing brings a new source of discipline, forgiveness, contribution and self development. Losing Shawn and living life fully seem to be contradictory terms until I surrender to the idea that living an abundant life is all in the choosing.
This is how I enter my day. I choose abundance. This is my pep talk.