I miss our daily communication. I miss chatting. I miss calling him on the phone. I miss saying hello and I miss saying goodbye. I miss learning from him and sharing with him. I miss teaching him something new, which was a rare moment, but fun if I could. I miss doing things with him. I miss planning things to do with him. I miss planning on always having him in my life.
Our family’s day was scheduled around him:
“We will eat when daddy gets home.”
“We will go for a walk before daddy gets home.”
“We will clean up the kitchen after daddy goes to work.”
“I will take a shower before daddy goes to work.”
“On dad’s day off we will go hiking at the park.”
My calendar involved him:
“Let me check Shawn’s schedule and I will call you back.”
“Let me double check with Shawn and let you know.”
“Let me see if Shawn and I have anything planned – maybe we are free.”
“I am sure Shawn wouldn’t mind helping with that – let me ask him.”
“Shawn and I would love to come. I will have him put it in his palm pilot.”
Our days used to have transition. Time when we were together. Time when we were apart. Days Shawn worked. Days he had off. There were patterns set up based on when we saw each other. Time used to have segments. Now each day slurs together; followed by the slurring of weeks. I can’t distinguish the eight months that have passed with any distinct time table. Is it possible to lose an entire month with this lack of time tracking? It has happened to me. At times I talk to friends forgetting which month we are operating in. Do they think I am crazy? I think I am crazy. I want to yell, “Someone give me time back!”
All plans have the capability of changing or at least the possibility of changing. Now I am at a loss for plans. I don’t feel like I make plans anymore. I let events happen. I am invited to various functions and feel different levels of obligation to attend. But, I don’t feel like I instigate any sort of true plan since Shawn died. I have noticed I follow other people’s plans. When I hear a couple say, “We have plans to go out tonight”, I feel startled into my current calendar, wondering when the last time I truly made plans for anything was?