There are things circling Shawn’s death that I don’t recall. We sang a song in church last week that my friends indicated was sung at Shawn’s funeral. I had no recollection. One friend asked, “Is this song hard for you to sing?” I answered, “It is harder that I don’t remember the song being sung at his service.” Complete pieces of information erased from my memory as if it never existed.
Now finding myself in the middle of year two without my husband, I am starting to feel a new type of loss. Not only the loss of Shawn, but also the loss of time lived without him. The last year and a half feels like time lived by default motion.
I found photos of Jordan’s second birthday after we had returned from our trip to Honduras. He is sitting at our kitchen table blowing out candles. The cake bears no familiarity to me. Did I make it? Did I purchase it? I assume my sister brought it, as I don’t believe I was in the frame of mind to either make or buy a cake at that point. What conjures up remorse in me in regards to a simple chocolate bundt cake, is the very fact that I have no memory of it or more importantly the event surrounding it.
Can I buy my time back? Loss encompasses all sides. If I am not careful, I can see with all the other details lost, how easy it would be to lose myself.