Schedule

My computer keeps popping up reminders of what we were
supposed to be doing today and the day before and the day before that. Shawn had our calendar programmed on the computer
to set daily reminder messages of what was on the agenda. The trouble with the system is it doesn’t
know what to do with someone who has died. 

I know exactly what Shawn “would have been doing” if he were
still here. The calendar does not fail
with its consistent schedule. The screen
is flashing “31 reminders” for me to review. I have a choice to click “Open the Item”, “Dismiss”, “Dismiss All” or “Snooze”. I don’t really feel like opening any of the
items. What good does it do me to dwell
on a future that can never happen? I don’t
want to hit the dismiss button because I don’t want to dismiss anything of
Shawn’s. And to actually “dismiss all”
seems like an extreme option. With one
click of a button I can erase everything at once and that seems like a
tremendous act of betrayal to me. I am
left to hit snooze multiple times in any given day. Then Shawn’s preset dates and times continue
to reoccur in some format even if they cannot transpire in real life.

The reminders today say that Shawn was supposed to be in his
Research and Statistics class five days ago. He is scheduled to go to work in six hours and last week his office had a
department meeting. Over a week ago was garbage-recycling
day, which I forgot about all together and have many bags piling up in the
garage.  According to the calendar, he
has missed our brother-in-law’s and niece’s birthdays, our month-a-versary date
and my birthday as well.  

There are too many items to count that he has missed. And with each item that gets skipped over, I
am missing him. Without him, I no longer
follow the same calendar routine. I
guess death doesn’t just end one person’s timetable in life. It drastically rearranges time for those left
behind.