We were supposed to go hiking the Thursday after you died. We were supposed to make stir fry the following Friday. We were supposed to celebrate Jordan’s 2nd birthday together and take photos for a wedding on New Year’s Eve. We were supposed to take the kids sledding this winter and celebrate my 33rd birthday in February. In March, I was going to throw you a surprise birthday party, because you had recently told me that you had never had a surprise party before and I thought you deserved a grand party. In May, we were going to go on a weekend getaway to celebrate our anniversary and your mom had already offered to watch Jordan and Maddi. We were supposed to go camping this summer and someday you said you would bring me to the Boundary Waters. Nothing was written on the calendar, yet being with you was part of every plan.
I was supposed to grow old with you. I was supposed to see the years wrinkle around your eyes. I was supposed to have your third child. I was supposed to keep working at being a better wife.
I looked forward to seeing what we would look like together after 50 years. What would the photographs resemble? Would our age document our love? I wanted to find out at what point we would start to look the same; like we belonged together, simply from a glance, because of all our similar experiences, all of our facial interactions, all of our shared movements, all of our completed stories.
I was supposed to share my dreams with you, not to mention my deepest, grandest secrets (not just the ones you already held undisclosed, but the ones that I haven’t even had a chance to dream up yet).
I was supposed to go to parent-night events and parent committee meetings with you. I was supposed to sit in the parent section with you and wear matching T-shirts that displayed our pride for whatever endeavors Jordan and Madelynn decided to explore.
I was supposed to be my best with you, risk with you, strive with you, achieve with you, give with you, live with you…love you.
I was supposed to love you until death parted us. Death was supposed to come later. I still find myself completely in love with you. I guess this is normal. I am doing what I am supposed to do.