Valentine Birthday

Today is my birthday. Growing up I always loved the fact that my birthday fell on Valentine’s
Day. Especially at times in my life when
I didn’t have a boyfriend, I still had a wonderful day to celebrate. I remember my best friends loving the fact
that they could use my birthday for the same reason, if they were without a
date, the holiday could be ignored and we would simply have fun with my
birthday plans.

Shawn used to celebrate my birthday in addition to an improvised
version of the holiday that he christened “Valentine Week”. I loved his creativity, but more than that I
loved his attention. He always was so
good to me.

My loss reveals itself at different levels with different
intensities on different occasions. Now
I don’t feel like celebrating either event; birthday or Valentine’s. With my deepest love missing, both
celebrations feel horribly incomplete. At the core of myself I am struggling to find cause to celebrate. Shawn was my heart’s fondness. He spoke love to my spirit and my sprit
responded. I gave all my love to him as
purely as I knew how. Just as we
once observed a double holiday, today I feel a double loss on the 14th
of February.

How can a day filled with love feel so empty? How can a day surrounded with the many people
who love me feel so undeniably lonely? I
feel like I am being swallowed up inside even though my outer shell takes part
in the gathering, my inner self is not present. She is running far away. Buried
deep in an abyss of silence where future hopes once grew, now dreams are
disappearing. Words can’t give life to
something that is dying. Why does this
day fail me? A day that once brought
pleasure and satisfaction seems to have extinguished all enchantment. What do I do with joy vanished?

This is the deeper side of love lost. How poetic that these feelings fall on a day
reserved for love. My only consolation comes
from knowing that pain is felt profoundly because love was known immeasurably. 

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