What I Replay

Some people have asked me if I think about the night Shawn died.  They wonder what I replay in my mind.  I have been asked if I dwell on where I was, how I was told, what I was doing. 

Here is what I think about.  I think about the last ten minutes of my husband’s life.  The last ten minutes he was breathing and moving and working.  I picture him answering the call and responding.  I visualize him driving his car from the police department to the entrance ramp following highway 35W northbound for what would be his last time.  I see him stopping at the turn around and I imagine him quickly getting out of the car.  Within seconds he is throwing the stop sticks.

I relive an event that I was not at and actions that I didn’t partake in.  I hear a conversation in his head saying, “I can’t wait to get home tonight and tell Jennifer that we caught the bad guy.” 

Shawn stopped the chase that day.  If the chase had not resulted in his death, I believe there would have been other complicated consequences.  Would the driver have hit a family of five or someone else further down the road? 

In the last ten minutes of his life, Shawn performed his duty.  He responded with great resolve.  He was committed to protect and serve and was doing the right thing.  He was helping someone else.  He acted with courage and sincerity.  He acted out of compassion. 

I often ask myself if I would show the same type of courage and compassion when handed the last ten minutes of my life.

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